I was just looking at the 'Why Do Men Like Facials?' thread and was inspired to this act of creativity, based on a well-known sketch. Apologies to Jones, Idle, etc.
Scene: An adult video shop. Layla Jade and other similarly ?outgoing? female porn stars are hanging around by the counter. A Cheeky Chappie and his Lizard enter.
Cheeky Chappie: You stand in the corner Lizard.
Lizard: All right.
Cheeky Chappie: Morning!
Marcus Allen: Morning!
Cheeky Chappie: Well, what've you got?
Marcus Allen: Well, there's lots of films available. The best ones have blow jobs and cunnilingus; blow job, straight sex, and cunnilingus; blow job, and sperm; blow job, cunnilingus, and sperm; blow job, cunnilingus, straight sex, and sperm; sperm, cunnilingus, straight sex, and sperm; sperm, blow job, sperm, sperm, cunnilingus, and sperm; sperm, straight sex, sperm, sperm, cunnilingus, sperm, spanking and sperm;
Porn Stars: Sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm...
Marcus Allen: ...sperm, sperm, sperm, blow job, and sperm; sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, anal sex sperm, sperm, sperm...
Porn Stars: Sperm! Lovely sperm! Lovely sperm!
Marcus Allen: ...or sex in 57 different positions in a bed, on the sofa, in the bath, on the kitchen table, in the hall, in the greehouse and in the bog, oral sex, anal sex, threesomes, foursomes, gang bangs, orgies, bondage, spanking, whipping, watersports?and sperm.
Lizard: Have you got anything without sperm?
Marcus Allen: Well, there's sperm, blow job, straight sex, and sperm. That's not got much sperm, in it.
Lizard: I don't want ANY sperm!
Cheeky Chappie: Why can't we have blow job, cunnilingus, sperm, and straight sex?
Lizard: THAT'S got sperm, in it!
Cheeky Chappie: Hasn't got as much sperm, in it as sperm, blow job, straight sex, and sperm has it?
Porn Stars: Sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm...
Lizard: Could you do the blow job, cunnilingus, sperm, and straight sex but edit it to cut out the sperm, then?
Marcus Allen: Urgghh!
Lizard: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like sperm!
Porn Stars: Lovely sperm! Wonderful sperm!
Marcus Allen: Shut up!
Porn Stars: Lovely sperm! Wonderful sperm!
Marcus Allen: Shut up! (Porn Stars stop) Bloody Porn Stars! You can't have blow job, cunnilingus, sperm, and straight sex, without the sperm.
Lizard: I don't like sperm!
Cheeky Chappie: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I love seeing sperm on a girl?s mug. I?m getting a film with sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, anal sex, sperm, sperm, sperm, and sperm!
Porn Stars: Sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm. Lovely sperm! Wonderful sperm!
Marcus Allen: Shut up!! Anal sex is off.
Cheeky Chappie: Well could I have Lizard?s sperm, instead of the anal sex then?
Marcus Allen: You mean sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm... (but it is too late and the Porn Stars drown her words)
Porn Stars: (Singing elaborately) Sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm. Lovely sperm! Wonderful sperm! Sperm, spa-a-a-a-a-am sperm, spa-a-a-a-a-am sperm. Lovely sperm! Lovely sperm! Lovely sperm! Lovely sperm! Lovely sperm! Sperm, sperm, sperm, sperm!
SKETCH CUTS ABRUPTLY TO A TERRY GILLIAM ANIMATION OF CATHY BARRY'S TITS EXPLODING
The Sperm Sketch
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fevrd
Re: The Sperm Sketch
So when people advertise parties on 50-odd Yahoo Adult Groups they are sperming them.
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Boring Bloke
Re: The Sperm Sketch
I suppose I could have also done "The Porn Shop Sketch":
Customer: Have you got any American porn movies?
Shopkeeper: Sorry sir, we haven't any.
C: Any British films?
S: No.
C: European ones?
SNo.
C: Blow job movies?
S: No.
C: Any group sex films?
S: No.
C: Bondage stuff?
S: No.
C: Lesbian ones?
S: Oh hang on...(searches around)...No.
C: Gang bang films?
S: No.
C: Underage tranvestite bestiality asian amputee movies?
S: No.
C: It's not much of a porn shop really is it?
etc etc
See? It's easy.
Customer: Have you got any American porn movies?
Shopkeeper: Sorry sir, we haven't any.
C: Any British films?
S: No.
C: European ones?
SNo.
C: Blow job movies?
S: No.
C: Any group sex films?
S: No.
C: Bondage stuff?
S: No.
C: Lesbian ones?
S: Oh hang on...(searches around)...No.
C: Gang bang films?
S: No.
C: Underage tranvestite bestiality asian amputee movies?
S: No.
C: It's not much of a porn shop really is it?
etc etc
See? It's easy.
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Bishop Firmhand
Re: The Sperm Sketch
So! let me get this right.... a man goes into a Adult shop, presumably to buy an adult, and get,s highly confused by some fanciful double-speak, and fobbed off with a product he doesn,t really want,yes?
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Orson Welles
Re: The Sperm Sketch
...well, that's a bit long-winded for a screenplay, but yes, that's about it....