egafd.com

ok, i know by writing this the shit will hit the perverbial fan. but i got some bones to pick with alot of people, so let's get started why don't we.

first. let me set this up. for years i've wanted to be in the porn business as a director. i liked the thought of making movies that turn on both men and women. i reached out of people, i've e-mail, i,ve texted, i've wrote on facebook and other forums, i even broke a life long vow of mine and joined twitter just to reach out of these people. then, one eyed jack throws me a life perserver and at first, i was taken aback because most people in the adult film industry don't want nothing to do with me. so i had the opposite affect to it and though it was too good to be true. well, i wrote a few days back on twitter i'm NOT going on the naked truth and i'm standing by that statement and i'll tell you why.

the porn business does not want me, the porn business does not need me and the porn business has went out of it's way to make sure i don't break into the business. i've watched alot of movies and though to myself "i can do better than that" and as smug and arrogant as it sounds, i really do believe i could do better than alot of people out their. but when your on disablity, your making less that $1000 a month and starving at the end of the month, so you have to take out loans to eat. you can't just hop in a car and go to los angeles and say "hey anabolic, i'm here to work for you." or "hey vivid, i want to help make you some money by working hard and being a good employee." me and my mom have to take every little penny we make and put it together, just to BARELY survive and i'm not exaggerating. the city we live in is foreclosing on our house because we can't afford the payments.

now i'm not expecting any sympathy out their, except those who are like me who have to eat tuna sandwitches at the end of the month because they don't have the money to buy groceries or they have to take out loans from payday loan places because if they don't, they will starve. top that off by telling everybody me and my mother don't have a car and have not had one for four years. so we have to ask people for rides to places because we can't get their on our own, which is becoming very tiresome from the 2-3 people we know, because it's like pulling hensteeth to get them over here.

laugh if you must, but i have something that can count as a terminal illness. it's called extreme bouts of depression. it's taken me alot to stop myself from flying off the deep end and ending it all because it's a never ending cycle of negativity between financial and social situations. one eyed jack told me "i'll let you know when i have time for the podcast", well i may not be here tomorrow and you can't do a podcast with a dead guy, so i just canceled it and let him go on his merry way. but yet steve holmes is sipping a pina colada on the beach in manhattan beach while fucking the newest blonde who broke into the business five minutes ago. so obviously he would'nt understand my problem. some people out their claim to have "lives" and don't want to hand a hungry SOB like me a bone and help me get into a business i'm becoming very disenchanted with. people who know me know how much i love porn, but it's the people in the business who piss me off because i can't kick down the fucking door and make the money i need to to help me and my mother survive. i want to get paid to do something i enjoy, not bounce from paycheck to paycheck struggling to survive.

i've never seen my mother happy because it's bills, bills, bills and she slowly dies from worrying how we're going to pay said bills on the small amount of money we make. but i guess for those on the internet, out of sight, out of mind.

i know the forumites on here will have crass sarcastic comments on my situation. i'm a guy who's fed up with trying to chase after something that never will come to pass. i was depending on this podcast to get the word out about me, so people in the business would get to know me. maybe somebody like a brandon iron or scarlett revell or somebody else would say "this guy loves porn and he's passionate about it, maybe i should get him a job." no, that's not going to happen, once again, the door has been slammed shut on my fingers. i write kiki minaj and jasmine webb and brandon iron hoping to pick their brains and LEARN because i'm so desparate to learn just from their words of wisdom, having been in the situation i want to be in and all i get is retweets and favorites. not any advice because i'm hungry, i've famished for knowledge on the business.

so you know what, I GIVE UP. i quit, nobody in the porn business can see this business is everything to me. i love it like nobody will ever begin to imaging and yet, love is a two way street. you would'nt have had the great athletes, actors, scientists, doctors, and writers without them having two things, 1. somebody who would give them the oppertunity to show what they are made of and 2. a mentor to teach them about their craft and how to mold it into a masterpiece. i was hoping one eyed jack would be my mentor to help me get my foot in the door because i want to make a living off of the porn business and have always had dreams of having one of the biggest porn companies in the world. and i promised myself if anybody gave me the chance, i would owe my life and career to that person and would repay them for helping me because i am a gracious person and i thank those who help and support me.

i will be honest, i'm heartbroken. i feel jilted. i feel in a way betrayed. i'm a man who lives through passion. i do things because of passion. i know there are some blokes out their who go to work, hate their job, but do it because the misses and kids need food and i respect that. but i can't live that way. my heart goes into everything i do. i did'nt just want to watch porn, i wanted to MAKE porn. hot steamy sexy eroticly delicious porn and i wanted to help the men and the women in the business be as sexy as they can be and make more money as well as myself make money. if my heart is not into a certain job, i can't do it. it's not right to do a job half-assed. you either go hard or go home. well porn, i've gone hard to enter your business for 15 years and you have rejected me every single time. i'm going home since i'm not welcomed and it's frustrating that people can't see how bad i wanted this.

i thank everybody for reading this, i know i'm going to get negative criticism because i expect it since nobody understands my position. so let the barbs begin. have a great day and KRO everybody.

Mate i have had heavy bouts of depression in the past myself and i know how hard it is to cope , so you have my sympathies. But you got to get out there and ix with a few people , go to the pub , have a beer, join a group , just get out there and mix. You're spending too much time alone with your own thoughts. I wish you luck..

bluewomble858 wrote:


and the porn business has went out of it's way to make
> sure i don't break into the business.

What evidence do you have of that? All I see from you post is that you have no experience whatsoever in the porn business, but want a backdoor in and an express elevator to the top, all on someone else's shilling.

Peter it's been the same for a long time ------ it's not what you know but who you know in the employment stakes.

I agree who you know plays a big part, but there are many of us in this business (as well as others) who forced our way in from a standing start on the basis of hard work and ability, spending our own money and taking our own risks.

I got my job by my own knowledge and ability but there are many here who got a job because their dad works there or they know some of the top brass. I worked as a contractor for several years so I knew the job but a couple of people were taken onto staff roles because of connections. They were put to work with me to train them up which sort of pissed me off. I eventually got a staff job with a bit more job security.

I don't understand, why did you blow off OneEyedJack?

number 6 wrote:

> Mate i have had heavy bouts of depression in the past myself
> and i know how hard it is to cope , so you have my sympathies.
> But you got to get out there and ix with a few people , go to
> the pub , have a beer, join a group , just get out there and
> mix. You're spending too much time alone with your own
> thoughts. I wish you luck..

first off number 6, i don't drink. i'm a teetotaler or some might call me straight edge. i'm drug free-alcohol free. so going to a pub/bar or any other establishment and geting pissed off my ass don't solve no problems. also, mind you. i live in a small christian town, where there is nothing to do. i live in the middle of the desert in new mexico. plus, the town is dry, which means you have to leave town to buy boose because it's "the devil's juice" according to the 20 churches here in town and it's worse for me because i'm a atheist and you telling me to go out and make friends is like telling frankenstein to go out and hug those natives with the pitchforks and tourches. that's the thing with ALL of you forumities on here, you don't understand where i live because YOU DON'T LIVE WHERE I LIVE. you might live in posh london or liverpool or manchester or some other big city where drag queens can walk around freely and there are anti-religion slogans on double decker buses. but here, that would be very out of the ordinary. i'm trapped in a very conservative hellhole because my grandmother was from here (and i love her very much, rest her soul) and she moved me and my mom here when i was a tyke and thought it would be a great place for me to grow up. turns out, she was wrong. i'm a atheist, i hate religion, i'm left leaning, i was ostrizied in school, i like gay people, i hate the military (which there is a air force base near the town i live in) and i could never make friends because most people saw me, heard what i'm about and labled me a freak or a "sinner" and i was told i was going to hell by many people because i support gay marriage, i like people who swing and i love porn and sex in general.

Peter wrote:

> bluewomble858 wrote:
>
>
> and the porn business has went out of it's way to make
> > sure i don't break into the business.
>
> What evidence do you have of that? All I see from you post is
> that you have no experience whatsoever in the porn business,
> but want a backdoor in and an express elevator to the top, all
> on someone else's shilling.
>
>

i never expected to be a success just like that. once again, people misinterpet my words. i'll work my way to the top just like anybody else. but i need a OPPORTUNITY to do just that. i'm trying to learn from one eyed jack, brandon iron, scarlett revell, jasmine webb, steve holmes, anybody in the business that i can learn something about the business because i'm a sponge, i soak up knowledge. i'm the kind of guy who would listen to a elder tell me about a experiance of theirs and then remember their words to apply it to certain situations. it seem like people in the adult film industry is a secret society that unless you get naked and send them a picture of yourself and they like it or if you have a hot girlfriend they want to take nude photos of and you just happen to be her boyfriend, then your in. but if your a normal everyday bloke like me, you can't get in because "we don't know you." WELL THAT'S THE FUCKING POINT, i want you to know me, i want to come off as somebody you can trust and i want to work for you or help you in any way i can. i love the porn business and want to give back to it.

3SS wrote:

> I don't understand, why did you blow off OneEyedJack?

i blew off one eyed jack because like i said, i have a terminal illness called depression. one day i could be feeling great and the next day i could be feeling like crap and one day, the urge to end it all may become all too great for me to handle. i can't wait months in advance to do a podcast. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying one eyed jack has to put his life on hold for me. he's got a successful realcouples project that i think is unique and is a change of direction in the business. but if your going to do something with me, your going to have to do it at that very moment because it's a day-by-day thing with me. one eyed jack has a misses who loves him, he's got children, he's a awesome bloke and if your friends with him on a personal level, your better off because he will be their for you. but i have no misses, i have no children (and don't want any), i have no friends because i live in the most conservative place on earth outside of the middle east and so my people skills are in tatters because i can't trust people, thus i feel suicidal from time-to-time. i don't talk to my doctors about feeling suicidal because all they want to do is push you on meds so big pharm can make more money off of your illness.

i really wanted to do the podcast, but if your going to do it. it has to be in the very near future because i don't know how i will be feeling. i also can't pay for international phone calls because i don't have the money and i would never wish one eyed jack to come see me in person because he would stand out where i live, get weird looks and might even get a few religious people to try and "save" him from his sinful lifestyle. i hold no ill will towards one eyed jack. i was hoping he would be my mentor in geting my foot in the door in the adult film industry because he has worked with some famous names in the business and must know some people.

i thank everybody for the feedback. don't expect me to write back immediately because my internet connection is slow out here in the desert. it's 3:09pm here, so it's 9:03 in england. i usually write back in the early morning hours because i'm a insomniac and my internet connection works better at night. i wish you all a very good day and KRO everybody.

I apologise for the delay in getting back to you but i do have other people waiting to do podcasts as well and i do need time to work out the questions I want to ask and how it serves the audience I am aiming it at

I dont regard what i do as a public entertianment show so I have to be careful given your depression that i try to be respectful and show the relaity of a perosn who is passionate about wanting to get into the business vs the relaity of getting into the business

Its no different to any other kind of film making, It is hard to make a good movie. there are so many dfactors involved. How do you know you will get on with the perofmers you book? How do you know they will even like each other?

How do you salvage a scene where the guy doesnt follow your direction and fails to get a hard on?

How would you cope with divas? Because the best girls are insecure sorts. So many things to consider and how will you make this great movie? Are you going to film it? Edit it? Who would you get to film or edit?

I , like so many other people in this business came into it by investing a lot of my own time and money and learned through trial error and enthusiasm

I had to shoot a lot to get the experience of knowing the things I do now.

I would be VERY surprised if you could make a movie that satisfied the vison of it you see in your head

Ive never had a shoot go to plan how I wanted it. Thats not to say that it hasnt turned out well. Some even surpassed my expectations and many I am very proud of but if I never had the hindsight and experience in catching those moments i would have been very delusional about the business

one eyed jack wrote:

> I apologise for the delay in getting back to you but i do have
> other people waiting to do podcasts as well and i do need time
> to work out the questions I want to ask and how it serves the
> audience I am aiming it at
>
> I dont regard what i do as a public entertianment show so I
> have to be careful given your depression that i try to be
> respectful and show the relaity of a perosn who is passionate
> about wanting to get into the business vs the relaity of
> getting into the business
>
> Its no different to any other kind of film making, It is hard
> to make a good movie. there are so many dfactors involved. How
> do you know you will get on with the perofmers you book? How do
> you know they will even like each other?
>
> How do you salvage a scene where the guy doesnt follow your
> direction and fails to get a hard on?
>
> How would you cope with divas? Because the best girls are
> insecure sorts. So many things to consider and how will you
> make this great movie? Are you going to film it? Edit it? Who
> would you get to film or edit?
>
> I , like so many other people in this business came into it by
> investing a lot of my own time and money and learned through
> trial error and enthusiasm
>
> I had to shoot a lot to get the experience of knowing the
> things I do now.
>
> I would be VERY surprised if you could make a movie that
> satisfied the vison of it you see in your head
>
> Ive never had a shoot go to plan how I wanted it. Thats not to
> say that it hasnt turned out well. Some even surpassed my
> expectations and many I am very proud of but if I never had the
> hindsight and experience in catching those moments i would have
> been very delusional about the business
>
>


that is why i'm done. i'm finished with wanting to be in the business and can't fathom why you would want somebody like me on your podcast. i'm poor, i have no money, i'm on disability and every dream i've ever had in life has ended in disappointment or has been a big letdown. my mom is more mad at you one eyed jack than i am. i told her you invited me on this podcast and she got to dreaming. she said "this one eyed jack guy used to direct, he might get you into the business and we might make some money enough to not be poor anymore." but when i told her it was only a podcast, she refused to hear any of it. she believed this was my chance and when i told her i was'nt going on the podcast and one eyed jack was'nt going to help me. she got very angry, got bitter and told me to stop talking to you. she took it very hard and i'm being straight with you. i know that's over the top, but my mom is so desperate for somebody to help us and she believed her little boy was finally going to realise his potential because she always has believed i was going to be somebody.

when i was little, i wanted to be a male stripper (believe it or not) and my mom encouraged me. but fate played a cruel trick on me by not giving me the looks for the part. women always turned me down as ugly or weird. when i was a teenager, i wanted to be a pro wrestler, but i did'nt have the athletic ability it took to break into the wrestling business. when i got a little older, i wanted to be a college football coach, but the landscape of college football has changed and everything is so PC. i'd bound to say something at a press conference to offend somebody because i speak from the heart. around that same time, i got into sex and porn and fell in love with it and at first, wanted to be a porn star, but once again, i realised if i could'nt bed the everyday woman, no way could i land a woman with blonde hair, fake tits and a tan with a perfect smile. so then i wanted to direct porn, because while i could not pick up women, some women were my friends and i felt more comfortable around them since i had no father figure in my life. i hardly ever hung around men because most men did'nt like me because i was'nt so super masculine as they were. i hated when guys would put cheesy come-ons to women and felt they disrespected them, but then i'd be honest and tell a girl i liked her and she either would say "your a nice guy" and be my friend or "you're ugly, get away from me you creep." and they would then fuck the captain of the football team because of his good looks.

when i was bored in school, i wrote erotica to please myself. a couple of friends went into my locker when i was'nt around and found my binder full of sexual erotica and they came clean and told me about it. i was furious because they invaded my privacy. but then they told me they liked it and i started writing some for them to get them off because i liked to thought of holding that power over them, being able to get them off. there was a gorgeous friend i knew who lived across the street from the junior high i went to. she was perfect for porn. 34dd tits, tan skin, brunette hair, a perfect smile, no blimishes on her skin. me and her started talking through chance. she was very sexually open and was very sexually active. i was 14 so she would'nt do me. but she did read my erotica and liked what i wrote and told me "you should get into writing porn, this stuff would be so hot on camera." she moved away and i never have seen her since. fast foward to a couple of years ago. i was on this forum and i ran into this total stranger on the forum and we started talking about sex. i share a sex story with her and she LOVED it and told me "your a great erotica writer, you should get into porn."

plus when i watch porn, i see cheesy come-on or terrible set-ups and it makes me lose my erection and go on a 20 minute tangent to myself on how stupid and ridiculous it is. i did that with the priva scene in "a sperm load a day 2". how ridiculous is it that priva has a cramp, her husband calls the doctor, the doctor and a couple of his fellow doctors goes to her house and doctor steve holmes tells her "well, we need to stick something in your pussy and something in your ass to relieve the cramp in your stomach." i see so much wrong with that in the aspect first off, most people have to go to the hospital and unless they are filthy rich, doctors don't make housecalls anymore and secondly, most husbands would have knocked all of steve holmes teeth out for suggesting such a thing to his wife. granted this is the porn business, but come on, a little consistancy here please. it was a great scene as priva loved being double dicked, but the opening sucked, plain and simple.

i write this knowing i have no dreams. every ambition i've ever wanted has been stripped away by society. it will take some time, but i have to get used to the idea of being poor for the rest of my life since nobody will help us. the churches won't help with the food because they find out i'm a atheist and won't donate food to us. we have no friends or family because my mother is the black sheep of the family, especially since they found out she once had sex with a black man, so she's a n-lover to them and they won't help us. we are two souls all by ourselves in a raft in this giant pool of life and have come to expect nobody to help us because this is such a cruel uncaring world. to everybody else, our problems are out of sight, out of mind. one eyed jack has his problems, 3SS has problems, milk tray man has problems, argie has problems, dick moby and number 6 has problems, the whole world has problems, so ours is no of their concern. if we both died, nobody would cry, nobody would shed a tear. if we cried for help, no one would hear us. if we suffer, nobody would bat a eyebrow. people never understand how bad it is until they are in that situation yourselves. they dismiss us as a sob story because we're poor, we don't have a education, we are disabled and useless to the workforce, so our brains must be as worthless as our bodies.

i don't mean to sound like a sob story, but this is the life i lead. a long hard road covered with potholes and broken glass and me and my mother have to walk it alone, barefoot, no shoes on and suffer for something we never asked for and we ask ourselves "what did we do to deserve this???" one line bruce springsteen wrote strikes a chord with me as it's been the story of my life "in the end what you don't surrender, well the world just strips away."

i thank everybody for taking the time to read this. if your depressed about this, maybe you just strached the surface of my every day pain. and i'm sorry for you feeling depressed. i hope you can have a good day because those in my world are few and far between. one eyed jack, i will never understand why you asked a poor insignificant nothing like me to be on your podcast. it boggles my mind.

KRO everybody