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i know the last time i did this, i wrongly got out of line with a couple of people on this friendly forum. so before you say anything, let me put my mouthguard in. i want to self-analyze myself and i'd like a couple of opinions from the other "fourmites".

for a example, why do i feel so uncomfortable with public displays of affection??? i mean, i was in the park by myself the other day and i sat down at a park bench and i saw about 100 yards from me behind the shed where the parks and recreations keep their landscaping equipment, a man and woman. they were holding each other and then they started to passionately kiss in public behind this shed. i saw for about a couple of seconds and got up and left. i walked all the way home and the more i though about it, the more angrier i got. by the time i got home, i had to go on a tirade about how much i hate public displays of affection. since i believe you should keep your love life in private and show some class.

another thing is a ex-friend of mine used to swing, she had a boyfriend where her and her boyfriend would swing with other couples and one time they wanted me to be "the third wheel". i told her nicely no, that i did'nt feel comfortable being "the third wheel" and she told me she did'nt see me as "the third wheel". well, our friendship rapidly deteriorated over the fact i percieved they were taking pity on the fact i did'nt have a girlfriend (and i don't now) and they wanted to use me for one night of sexual pleasure and then throw me in the closet with all the other sex toys they owned. some words were exchanged and we have never spoken since, i heard from a person who knew them they divorced soon after that.

i know milk tray man will bring up the fact i'm "obsessed" with porn stars personal lives. well, i can assure you as i am writing this, i could care less about them as people because caring is a two way street. if a porn star likes to go home and dress up like boy george while smoking a pipe and taking it up the ass from their third cousin, i could care less. that was a attempt to humanize the porn business on my part forgeting the business part. i can now watch porn for my own selfish reasons and not care a thing about the person who's in the video because they don't know me and i don't know them and that will always be that way. that's done and dusted.

i ask myself though, as liberal as i am politicaly and as open minded as i try to be, is it that i am just too conservative in nature to be around not just porn, but what some would term "un-natural sex"??? stuff like double penetration, gangbangs, sex parties, etc. i love watching that stuff on a porno movie, but as far as doing it, i don't feel comfortable doing that at all. especially because i'm single. i feel everybody is trying to pity me and rub their relationships in my face.

if somebody told me i was ugly, i could handle it, because in my opinion, i'm ugly. i'm not attractive at all and i don't see what any woman would find attractive about me. if a women were to hit on me, i'd would assume they want something and not me as a individual. on porn websites, i get these women with their webcams sending me friend invites and i always ignore them because they just want me to pad their friends numbers list. heck, when one eyed jack invited me on his podcast, i rejected because i'm not qualified to talk about a business i've never been in and will never get into. plus, all the "beautiful people" one eyed jack knows would laugh at me and think i'm ugly or stupid or something else. i'm blindly guessing one eyed jack knows lucy zara. lucy zara would laugh me out of the room, call me every name in the book and make me feel a inch high because so many other women who look like her have, so whenever somebody reaches out to me, i go into my defense mechanism of hating people just to hate them because i think they want to use me. it's a constant war inside my head with me, i want to like people and i want a companion who will love me for me and i love them for them, but my better judgement tells me all people are evil and want to use you for one reason or another. then people assume your a troll when really, you've been hurt some many times, you don't want to get hurt again because people can be hateful and mean and careless with what they say.

i ask of those commenting on this topic to be honest, but please go easy on me. i know i got anger issues as that is one thing i'm in counciling for and my therapist is working with me on because of the deep seeded issues i grew up dealing with in my childhood and now in adulthood. my family is like me in the aspect you could say to my grandfather "it's a beautiful day today" and my grandfather sometimes will reply "what do you mean by that???" and get very upset.

i thank you all for taking time out of your lives to read and comment on this. KRO everybody.

Blimey.

I'm guessing that you are using Lucy Zara as an example because I've known her a while and she wouldn't do that.

Porn is or should be fantasy. Just because someone does something onscreen doesn't mean that they do it in real life ? some do, some don't.

Some models would laugh at you, most wouldn't but then some women who work in Tesco (or in your case Target) would laugh at you but most wouldn't.

Why do you think you are ugly? VERY FEW people I have ever seen are what could be considered ugly. You are probably just ordinary ? like the rest of us.

Incidentally. what does KRO mean?

I could be wrong but its possible that bluewonble is a Birmingham City supporter. Keep Right On.

Essex Lad wrote:

> Blimey.
>
> I'm guessing that you are using Lucy Zara as an example because
> I've known her a while and she wouldn't do that.
>
> Porn is or should be fantasy. Just because someone does
> something onscreen doesn't mean that they do it in real life ?
> some do, some don't.
>
> Some models would laugh at you, most wouldn't but then some
> women who work in Tesco (or in your case Target) would laugh at
> you but most wouldn't.
>
> Why do you think you are ugly? VERY FEW people I have ever seen
> are what could be considered ugly. You are probably just
> ordinary ? like the rest of us.
>
> Incidentally. what does KRO mean?

yes, i was using lucy as a example, i was not trying to single her or anybody else out. i was just trying to make the example that most beautiful women want handsome men and if i were to walk up to a beautiful woman, like i've done a few times before, they would laugh me out of the room for thinking i had a chance with them.

this one woman in junior high, she was model gorgeous. i had a huge crush on her, so i went up to her and asked her out. she was nice with me the first time by telling me she was already taken. but my friend (who was friends with her best friend) told me she was not and i should try again. so i did and the second time, she bluntly told me "i would'nt date you in a million years if you were the last man on earth, leave me alone loser." plus, she told everybody i sexual harrased her. i used to cry at night because she broke my heart very badly and wounded me inside. i went up to another girl in my last year in junior high and she laughed at me when i asked her out. then she went out with one of my friends. i had one girlfriend in junior high, but she broke up with me two weeks after we got together and also started dating another friend of mine and rubbed it in my face by kissing in front of me. she broke up with me a week after valentine's day, i bought her a rose, a box a candies and a poam telling her how much i loved her.

ever since then, i don't ask women out. i'm too embarrased. i feel like women want me to impress them which i can't because i'm not physically attractive since i got a little bit of a gut, i'm missing a couple of teeth, i got a southern american accent and i don't dress to impress, since that's not my style. my mom says i look like russell brand, but without long hair, but i don't think so. and i have no money since i'm on disabilty because of my bad back, my bad knees, my cronic migraines and my adhd/bi-polar. i should post a picture of me up to prove i'm not attractive.

i know porn should be fantasy, i get that. but sometimes i get tired of playing in fantasy land. i don't want one night of casual sex because to me, that's cheep. i get no connection out of it. i want a friend who i can do things with, sex being one of those things. watching porn is like going to a playground and seeing all the people playing on the playground and your not invited. i see people having great sex and i'm not invited. but i just can't do it in a plastic manner, i have to connect to people because if i connect to people, it's more enjoyable for me. like the example in the last post, my ex-friend wanted me to swing with her boyfriend. i used to sit next to them in the park and they would start kissing next to me and i'd feel a inch tall because i'd feel they are rubbing it in my face i have nobody. then when she invited me over to have a threesome, i promply rejected because it made me feel like a object.

KRO means Keep Right On, because i support birmingham city, the greatest football club in all the land. according to me at least. !footie! !grin!

thank you for replying and reading, KRO everybody.

Try to stop analysing it so much and just get on with your life. Otherwise you will just drive yourself bonkers. There's a saying that there is a lid for every pot. That means there's probably someone out there for you (you just haven't met her yet), and quite often things happen and you meet people when you don't expect it, or when you are not actively looking for it.

And forget "model gorgeous". Lower your sights. It's not an exact science but in any case, such women tend to be much more "high maintenance" and can be a bit of a fucking nightmare to be honest. At least in my experience. My first wife (who I was with for 7 years) was what many would - and did - call a "stunner". But was she hard work! So much so that in the end I walked. I'd just had enough of all the fucking grief, and of being bled dry both emotionally and financially. A number of people (notably all of them blokes) told me I was "mad" to ditch her, to which my reply was "you don't have to fucking live with her". I stayed with her at least 3 years longer than I should have done if I'm honest. My second (and current) wife is not as "hot" in the looks department (although she's perfectly presentable) but life with her is good. No arguments, no shit, a lot of laughter. It ain't all about looks. At most that's just a bonus. You need to be friends first and foremost. You need that connection on a deeper level. Otherwise you're just wasting your time if a relationship is what you're looking for.

In fact when I look back over all my relationships over the years (and I've had a few), the most fulfilling ones (both sexually and on a compatibility level) tend to have been with the "plain Jane" types, the more "glamorous" ones generally having been much more hard work and the relationships much less fulfilling.

The impression I'm getting from your posts is that you are quite a loner and don't get out much. So maybe take up a hobby that gets you out more and interacting with people, and the friendships / relationships will develop on their own. And even if you don't find a girlfriend, don't let it get you down. Because there's also a lot to be said for being single! After all, being in a shit relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship is FAR worse than being on your own. At least in my book.

And the girlfriend who ditched you a fortnight in? My guess is that it had a lot less to do with how you look than it had to do with you trying too hard, and you scared her away. Came on too heavy, man. Women like attention and compliments. But they don't like to feel smothered (any more than we would). And in my very humble opinion, poems expressing undying love after just 2 weeks is probably a bit much!

Milk Tray Man wrote:

> Try to stop analysing it so much and just get on with your
> life. Otherwise you will just drive yourself bonkers. There's a
> saying that there is a lid for every pot. That means there's
> probably someone out there for you (you just haven't met her
> yet), and quite often things happen and you meet people when
> you don't expect it, or when you are not actively looking for
> it.
>
> And forget "model gorgeous". Lower your sights. It's not an
> exact science but in any case, such women tend to be much more
> "high maintenance" and can be a bit of a fucking nightmare to
> be honest. At least in my experience. My first wife (who I was
> with for 7 years) was what many would - and did - call a
> "stunner". But was she hard work! So much so that in the end I
> walked. I'd just had enough of all the fucking grief, and of
> being bled dry both emotionally and financially. A number of
> people (notably all of them blokes) told me I was "mad" to
> ditch her, to which my reply was "you don't have to fucking
> live with her". I stayed with her at least 3 years longer than
> I should have done if I'm honest. My second (and current) wife
> is not as "hot" in the looks department (although she's
> perfectly presentable) but life with her is good. No arguments,
> no shit, a lot of laughter. It ain't all about looks. At most
> that's just a bonus. You need to be friends first and foremost.
> You need that connection on a deeper level. Otherwise you're
> just wasting your time if a relationship is what you're looking
> for.
>
> In fact when I look back over all my relationships over the
> years (and I've had a few), the most fulfilling ones (both
> sexually and on a compatibility level) tend to have been with
> the "plain Jane" types, the more "glamorous" ones generally
> having been much more hard work and the relationships much less
> fulfilling.
>
> The impression I'm getting from your posts is that you are
> quite a loner and don't get out much. So maybe take up a hobby
> that gets you out more and interacting with people, and the
> friendships / relationships will develop on their own. And even
> if you don't find a girlfriend, don't let it get you down.
> Because there's also a lot to be said for being single! After
> all, being in a shit relationship just for the sake of being in
> a relationship is FAR worse than being on your own. At least in
> my book.
>
> And the girlfriend who ditched you a fortnight in? My guess is
> that it had a lot less to do with how you look than it had to
> do with you trying too hard, and you scared her away. Came on
> too heavy, man. Women like attention and compliments. But they
> don't like to feel smothered (any more than we would). And in
> my very humble opinion, poems expressing undying love after
> just 2 weeks is probably a bit much!

i value your advice milk tray man. looks are not everything to me. a person i chat with who is from los angeles wanted to set me up with a woman she knew in college. the thing was while she had bleech blonde hair, huge tits, clear skin, blue eyes and was warm and friendly, she also was very ditzy in my opinion. i am what you call a sapiosexual, a intellegent woman is so intoxicatingly sexy to me. i like nerdy chicks and have a fetish about someday having sex in a library because the smarter they are, the more i'm drawn to them and it very much turns me on.

i know i'm not going to get a woman who looks like lucy zara or victoria brown or kerry louise and i understand some beautiful women can be a handful (ie jodie marsh before she got into bodybuilding, jodie can be a nightmarish diva IMO). but not even the "plain jane" women look at me.

one of the reasons is because of my accent. i was born in oklahoma, i am from the south and thus i have a strong southern accent that makes it hard for people to understand what i say. i compare it to having a strong brummie or geordie accent. i assosiate with birmingham because the stereotype of people from birmingham is just because of their accent, people assume them to be stupid because they can't speak "the queen's english" so to speak. some people think i'm stupid because the southern accent has such a negative reputation as being racist, stupid, overreligious and lacking couthe or class. thus, my accent draws women away from me and why should i be punished for something i was born with and quite proud of??? i like all the accents england has to offer, brummies, geordies, cockneys, potteries, chisits, scouse, manc, yorkshire, west country and yam yams (i'm a honorary brummie, i have to call people from the black country yam yams, but i like them none the less). there accents make them unique and special and i gravitate towards people with unique accents and dialects.

in closing, i did not write her a poam of undying love milk tray man, i wrote her a poam on how pretty she was, i loved her eyes, her hair, her cute nose, her body and most of all her smile. she looked like a poor man's katy perry and she came on to me and i was floating on air because of that fact. i was so happy somebody loved me. i also can't do a relationship where i don't treat my women as my queen and my equal. i'm a leo and when a leo loves, he/she loves with all our hearts, thus the term "heart of a lion". also milk tray man, i am a loner, i'm a misanthrope by nature. i don't trust anybody. i'm the kind of guy when walking down the street, if i see somebody else coming down the same side of my street, i go to the other side of the street or make a detour to avoid them because in my mind, i don't want no trouble. i don't go places where there are crowds either because i don't like crowds. friends in my life have come and gone, the people i talk to in england i'm in and out with because of my adhd/bi-polar. i also understand being on my own has benefits, but i've never had anybody to truely love me. milk tray man, you have. you have had a woman love you and touch you and be at one with you. usually people take that for granted, that it will always be there and when it's not, it's a very cold and lonely feeling. i've never had that love i crave. i've never had a woman to say, i love you to me. like a flower wthout water and sunlight, i so desparately want that love. i just want somebody to love and somebody who will love me for me. as billy joel once sang "some people sleep all alone every night instead of taking a lover to bed" which then leads me to the next part "some people find that it's easier to hate than to wait anymore."

your a sweet guy milk tray man. !happy! thank you for reading and replying and thanks everybody else for reading, KRO everybody and best wishes. !blues!

Good post that Milk Tray Man.

just a follow up, if anybody is interested enough, my picture is on my facebook page and the link to my facebook page is on my profile. thanks once again everybody for reading. KRO everybody

bluewomble858 wrote:

> in closing, i did not write her a poam of undying love milk
> tray man, i wrote her a poam on how pretty she was, i loved her
> eyes, her hair, her cute nose, her body and most of all her
> smile.

Same thing: Too much way too soon.


> and she came on
> to me and i was floating on air because of that fact.

Well if that's the case, you clearly aren't the gargoyle that you seem to think you are.

Don't see anything wrong with the way you look. I certainly wouldn't call you ugly.