egafd.com

just wondered whether anyone has any really good rib ticklers- im useless with jokes and need to learn a few well in advance of the next UKap Party, so any revisional materials greatly appreciated.... !happy! x

First of all, THANK YOU for even replying to this thread-its always gratyfying to think someone thinks its worth responding to-!happy!..even if you do miss MY joke, about needing jokes(as everyone will have heard them,lol)....As a first attempt,not bad.. and i like that the date can be changed in this joke....x

probably-like i said, im useless with jokes....... this one i can tell, tho substiture "stammer" for "slurring words drunkenly".... x

Here's a few jokies for you Sarah !laugh!

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a cornish pastie rather than toad in the hole.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?? she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse. "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks. "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.
"The second is from your husband he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!" Brilliant!" said Lucy.
"And the third?"
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears"

DATE RAPE DRUG TARGETS MALES
Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to keep alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
A new date rape drug on the market, called "Beer", is used by females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form, and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to convince their male victims to go home and have sex with them.
Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach: After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be seen with.
Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are stung for their life's worth in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
Apparently men are easier victims for this scam after "beer" is administered and have previously been sexually approached.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with locations in every town, where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly-affected, like minded guys.
To find the nearest such support group to you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.


Cool things about being a man:
1. Your arse is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's arse if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress ?1000; Tux rental ?50.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is ?5 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No seasons for fashions.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your beer belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.

Ten Things men know for sure about women:
1. They have breasts.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.


More to follow !grin!

Myson
!oldie!

30 things porn has taught us
1. Women wear high heels to bed.
2. Men are never impotent.
3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.
4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.
5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.
6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.
7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.
8. Women always orgasm when men do.
9. A blowjob will always get a women off a speeding ticket.
10. All women are noisy ****s.
11. People in the 70's couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.
12. Those tits are real.
13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.
14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.
15. If there are two guys they "high five" each other (and the girl isn't disgusted!).
16. Double penetration makes women smile.
17. Asian men don't exist.
18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend's mouth.
19. There's a plot.
20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.
21. Nurses suck patients cocks.
22. Men always pull out.
23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing the both of you.
24. Women never have headaches... or periods.
25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".
26. Arseholes are clean.
27. A man ejaculating on a woman?s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.
28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a cock there.
29. Men don't have to beg.
30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

This woman really fancied this hunky guy who worked in her local supermarket.
One day she managed to get him to help her take her shopping out to her car.
On the way she said to him "you know, I've got an itchy fanny" and he replied "you'd better point it out, all these Japanese cars look the same to me".

3 sisters, Ann, Jan and Fanny, all have big feet. Ann and Jan go on a date.
1 of the boys says ?Jesus, you do have big feet?.
Ann replies ?You should see our Fanny?s, they?re huge?.

Prostitute runs into a police station screaming she had been raped.
Police ask how as she is a hardened prostitute?
She complained that the fuckers cheque had bounced.

Wife says to husband ?Did you know that a bull can manage sex every day? That?s 365 times a year!? Husband replies ?Yes but he doesn?t have to shag the same cow every time?.

2 prostitutes standing on a street corner.
1 says to the other ?Tonight?s gonna be a good night, I can smell cock in the air?.
The other says ?Sorry, I just burped!?.

Why did The Lord give women Thrush?
To teach them how to live with an irritating cunt before they marry one!

Why are females the stronger sex?
They can produce milk without eating grass, bleed for a week without dying and bury a 7? bone faster than a dog.

What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A clit round the ear and a flap across the face.

Just shout if you'd like a few more Sarah !wink!

Myson
!oldie!

> "What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
> A clit round the ear and a flap across the face."


Never make fun of a stupid dwarf.

Its not big and its not clever.

"Hedgehog joke wins comedy prize
Comedian Dan Antopolski has won a prize for the funniest joke of this year's Edinburgh Fringe.

The funnyman, who has previously been nominated for the Perrier award, picked up the trophy from TV channel Dave.

Nine comedy critics sat through thousands of jokes before choosing 27 for viewers to vote on.

The winning joke was a one-liner from 36-year-old Antopolski's show Silent But Deadly - "Hedgehogs. Why can't they just share the hedge?"

The Londoner proved popular with critics and viewers and another of his jokes made the top 10 list.

The Top 10 jokes were judged to be:

? 1) Dan Antopolski - "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

? 2) Paddy Lennox - "I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: 'This could be interesting'."

? 3) Sarah Millican - "I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."

? 4) Zoe Lyons - "I went on a girls' night out recently. The invitation said 'dress to kill'. I went as Rose West."

? 5) Jack Whitehall - "I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."

? 6) Adam Hills - "Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."

? 7) Marcus Brigstocke - "To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"

? 8) Rhod Gilbert - "A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."

? 9) Dan Antopolski - "I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."

? 10) Simon Brodkin (as Lee Nelson) - "I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."

The judges sat through an average of 60 comedy performances each before creating a shortlist of 27 jokes.

More than 3,000 comedy fans voted, with almost 18% choosing Antopolski's one-liner.

Antopolski said: "I'm delighted to get the prize. Although I have won things before at the Fringe, this definitely means the most to me and that it should unite my loves of hedgehogs, comedy and Dave makes this prize very special."

The judges also listed some of the worst jokes at this year's Fringe.

? Carey Marx - "I'm not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And that's bad."

? Frank Woodley - "I phoned the swine flu hotline and all I got was crackling."

? Alex Maple - "Michael Jackson only invented the moonwalk so he could sneak up on children."

? Phil Nichol - "She's got a face like a rare Chinese vase - minging."

? Alistair McGowan - "I've just split up from my girlfriend, which is a shame, because it was a long-standing arrangement. Perhaps if we'd sat down a bit more..."