Best joke ever,Part2? ACTUAL Jokes here Pls x

[jj]

No.

[Sarah Kelly]

i dont want to be removed from the party - the idea is to get a laugh! lolx

[myson]

With apologies to our Scottish friends.

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again."Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairnsare starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

Myson
!oldie!

[myson]

and another.

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing i.e. both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

[myson]

Sexy quotes (with names they have been attributed to):

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." --Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." --Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." --George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship." --Sharon Stone
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." --Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." --Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." --Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" --Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." --Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." --Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." --Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." --Steve Martin
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." --George Burns

[myson]

Politically correct!!!!

? He does not have a beer gut ...He has developed a liquid grain storage facility.
? He is not a bad dancer ...He is overly caucasian.
? He does not get lost all the time ...He investigates alternative destinations.
? He is not balding ...He is in follicle regression.
? He is not a cradle robber ...He prefers generationally differential relationships.
? He does not get falling-down drunk ...He becomes accidentally horizontal.
? He does not act like a total arse ...He develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion.
? He is not a male chauvinist pig ...He has swine empathy.
? He is not afraid of commitment ...He is monogamously challenged.
? He is not horny ...He is sexually focused.
? It's not his crack you see when he bends over ...It is male cleavage.

[myson]

Last one (for now) !grin!

Mens responses to womens complaints

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us anymore -- we refuse to answer.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. And don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such subjects as belly button lint or monster trucks.
5. Sunday equals sports. It's like the full moon or the tides: there's nothing you can do about it. And shopping isn't a sport, never was a sport and never will be a sport.
6. When we're going out, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. Just fine. The first thing you put on. Truly. Now let's get going already!
7. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes. Most guys own just 3 pairs of shoes. Why do you think we'd be any good at choosing which of your 30 pairs goes well with that dress?
8. Crying is blackmail. Blackmail is cheating. Men don't like people who cheat. See "Sports".
9. Just come out and ask for what you want. Let's be absolutely clear on this point: Subtle hints don't work, strong hints don't work, really obvious hints don't work. If you're really serious about it, just come right out and ask us. And by the way, the answer is probably "no".
10. We don't know what day it is, and never will. Write all birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions in bright red on the calendar, and make sure we see it.
11. Trust me on this, standing up while peeing makes it much harder to aim. We're bound to miss sometimes. It's not the end of the world.
12. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost any question.
13. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
14. A headache that recurs every night is a problem. See a doctor.
15. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless there's fighting in it.
16. Check your damn oil. And if your car makes a "funny noise", say something now -- don't wait until it gets worse. Remember: it always gets worse.
17. It is not in your best interest or ours to take that magazine quiz together. It doesn't matter which magazine or which quiz.
18. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument and all comments become null and void after 7 days.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other way. Really.
20. Ogling is genetic in males. It doesn't mean we love you less. As my old friend Rich used to say, "It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home." Just be glad we have an appetite, OK?
21. You can either tell us to do something or tell us how to do something, but not both.
22. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
23. All men see in about 16 colours. Peach is a fruit, not a colour. And life is easier if you bunch all those "eggshell" colours into "pretty much white."
24. When it itches, it will be scratched. Live with it.
25. Know how you feel about handbags? That's how we feel about beer.
26. If we ask what's wrong, and you say "nothing", we'll act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying -- it's just not worth the hassle to dig it out of you. So if you have something to say, just say it!
27. Finally, if we've settled an argument, it's settled, OK? Don't start it all over again later. If it's not settled in your mind, don't agree to the settlement the first time.

[hammer4life]

2 paedos sitting on a park bench when an 8year old girl rides past on her bicycle. 1st paedo turns to the 2nd one and says "i bet she was a right goer in her day"

[Floydoid]

WOMAN

Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo (woe is me) ♀
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg may vary from 40 to 200 Kg
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas

Physical properties:
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason
3. Melts if given special treatment
4. Bitter if incorrectly used
5. Found in varying states of purity, ranging from virgin metal to common ore
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points

Chemical properties:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of precious stones
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man

Common uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation
3. Very effective cleaning agent

Test:
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen

Potential hazards:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Warning

PROLONGED EXPOSURE TO THIS ELEMENT CAN CAUSE SEVERE PHYSICAL, MENTAL, AND FINANCIAL DAMAGE

[Floydoid]

A man walks into a bank, yells at the old lady at the counter window, "I need to open a fuckin bank account". She says to the man, "Sir you are very rude! I don't appreciate being spoken to in that manner. Could you please use another tone of voice".

The man again states he needs to open a "fuckin bank account". The old woman storms off her post, and runs to the bank manager with her complaint. She tells the bank manager how this foul-mouthed man had come into the bank, cursing and swearing, and using the f-word, and that she found the man very rude. Also she did not want to serve him, and felt that the manager himself had better deal with him instead.

The bank manager immediately approached the man and asked what the problem was. The man again stated that for the third time, "I need to open a fuckin bank account". Well the manager flipped, "you can't come in here talking to me and my staff like that using foul language, and going on and on. Just who do you think you are????"

The man replied, "Look I just won 8 million quid on the lottery, and now need to open a fuckin bank account".

"WHAT??" interrupted the bank manager, "and that miserable old cunt wouldn't help you out?"