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If I may so bold,

7. When trying to fill up, please resist the urge, if successful, to wander off to the Wild Bean cafe for a skinny latte, leaving the car at the pump as this can lead to 5.

In the immortal words of Leslie Phillips: "Ding - Dong!!"

Just think what Jesus Christ could do, presented with 50 loaves!

Yes, well here in Johnson Towers we are all pulling together to try and cope as best we can with the fuel emergency. Damn tanker drivers should be arrested and tried for treason, what with the dodgy economy that we got left by those Commies that were in before Cameron.

Baines filled a couple of jerry cans and put them in the garage with the Bentley. I wasn't best pleased when I heard the local fire brigade advice. What if the Bentley went up? So anyway, the cans are in the housekeeper's quarters at the moment. THe old gal wasn't too happy about it and moaned about the smell. But I impressed upon her that we all had to make sacrifices in a national emergency.

Besides, I gave her have a couple of hot pasties and a steaming sausage roll for her trouble!

"Ding dong" indeed, old boy.

Fuel thieves will have a field day with all of these vehicles topped up with full tanks..

This second update has reached me from Commandant Cameron, deep in a bunker under Downing Street.

1. Do not "top up" petrol. Repeat do not "top up". I know this is the opposite of what we said earlier in the week, but never mind eh, no need to be nitpicking.

2. After the dreadful accident in York "my heart goes out to the family etc etc etc etc etc, you know the rest of the drill" when a woman set herself on fire decanting petrol, the update is not to store fuel on the premises. I know this is the opposite of what we said earlier in the week, but in the light of this tragic accident, no need for nitpicking because it would be disrespectful to this woman's family.

3. If you must store petrol, the latest advice is that you should store it in your duck house in the middle of your lake. Much better from a safety point of view even though the ducks mightn't like it.

4. Has anyone seen Francis Maude?

DJ wrote:
'4. Has anyone seen Francis Maude?'

Yes, unfortunately too often lately. There was footage of him on Thursday walking up Downing Street, on Ch4 news and he makes what is clearly a surreptitious clenched fist gesture at the assembled press as well as mouthing something only a lip-reader could ascertain.

Sounds like far too much.

What makes it worse is that after his initial comment about jerry cans, a fire brigade spokesman got in touch with the media to let them know that Maude's advice was in fact, illegal and rather stupid. This was put to Maude and he was asked to retract his statement which he refused to do. It was left to another minister to appear later today and state that Maude had made a "mistake".

On top of that the Fire Brigade have requested, in the light of the horrible accident to the York woman, that the governmnet make a statement clarifying the dangers of storing petrol etc.

They have so far refused to do so.

It really annoys me!

My 80 year old next door neighbour has been stocking up with tins of soup and steak from Tesco for the last 4 days. The older generation still believe our governments look after them!

The twatt need burning, as an old mate of mine used to say.