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Putting on me gold clown chains and me black eyeliner as we speak babe.

Michelle xx

Yeah, they're known as Neds up here, and have even had the Scottish Socialist MSPs defending them in parliament. Apparently, the use of the oxymoron "Ned culture" was offensive to Tommy the Tan, the radiant Rosie and friends.

What bothers me is the elitism of the Neds---they don't allow you to be one of them if your voice has broken.

Working near Liverpool St Station, I have come to the conclusion it is the Mecca for Chavs and Chavettes.

Yo, Mr Magoo! I was wondering what had become of you?

Yes, I was aware of the term 'Charver'. I came across it in the early 80's. At the time I understood it to mean either a low class bird, or shagging a low class bird i.e. 'to chaver her'. It's usage seemed to die out within my peer group within the next six months and I never came across it again until recently when a name was given to the 'Chav' phenomena.

A south London pal was talking about 'Pikeys' just the other week when he recounted an interesting tale of Pikeys taking over, and ruining, a pub on a tough South London manor. Apparently, one of my 'sarf Landan? pal?s, associates, is 'well ard' and he decided to take the pub on as Landlord. Anyhow, he gets ensconced, smartens the gaff up and starts the process of making it half respectable and viable again. But wadaya know? Sure enough the main Pikey idiots and trouble causers come in to cause bollocks, intimidate the other punters and the new landlord. So, the landlord tells the main Pikey, who seemed to think he was 'the man' to behave himself or he would be barred. Being a Pikey idiot this kind of civilised reasoning was as effective on him as taking to a baboon, and the Pikey carried on being lairy and said he'd please himself. So the landlord said "Right mi old son, looks like there's only one way to settle this - we both step into the karzi and if you walk out you can stay, if I walk out, you're barred for life."

The Pikey was confident, he didn't seem to perturbed by this challenge of freestyle combat - everday stuff in Pikey land. So they step into the arena. Sure enough the well 'ard landlord batters the Pikey idiot to within an inch of his life (blood all over) till he can but crawl out of the bogs?. So, main Pikey ejected, other Pikeys cowed, job sorted, and over the course of the next few weeks respectable (non-idiot) customers start to drift back and the pub comes back to life.

There is a postscript. The battered Pikey returned some weeks later, begged forgiveness and pleaded to be let back in. He seemed so sincere and apologetic that the landlord almost wavered. However, he then recalled what his old uncle 'Basher' had taught him. Never give an inch, never show any sign of weakness or scumbags and idiots will take advantage to drive a wedge in, and before you know it you've got a load more bollocks on your hands. So, the landlord turned him away, and that was that.

The landlord is having an extended holiday in Marbella at the mo'. Apparently, there was a 'misunderstanding' over 'a business deal' (nothing to do with Pikeys) and he has had to make himself scarce while it blows over - well, you know how it is with 'sarf Landan' geezers.

Officer Dibble

Didn't get a gander at the pub Pikeys, so I can't say whether they resemble the cartoon Pikeys, or not. But I understand they were the Oirish accented, part time caravan/council house, dwelling variety. Apparently, there's a Pikey enclave on one of the council estates down Peckham way.

Officer Dibbs