Don't panic, don't panic!!!!

[David Johnson]

Energy Minister "We recommend topping up your fuel tank when it is three quarters full rather than let it get close to empty".

Interviewer "But a date has not even been given for a tanker drivers' strike and they must give 7 days notice?"

Energy Minister "see statement above"

Interviewer "What about Francis Maude's suggestion that we should fill two large gerrycans and put them in the garage?"

Energy Minister "see statement above"

Interviewer "But isnt topping up the fuel tank every time it gets to three quarters full, going to increase queues because you have people going three times as often to the garage and lengthyy delays will result at the tillwhich is already happening in parts of the country?"

Energy Minister "see statement above"

There aren't any shortages yet of vegetables but there is a drought, you know? But hey, you can never be too careful, best to fill up that freezer NOW.

Dont panic, dont panic, don't panic.

[Gusset Sniffer]

What the fuck is a jerrycan????

VAT on Pasties and fuel panic! This government has lost it's way. GET some fucking work for people you useless fucking twats!

[David Johnson]

Its all under control, but make sure you have plenty of frozen peas, mixed veg, runner beans and broad beans in your freezer. You cant be too careful when Broken Britain gets hit by drought. You heard it here first. Don't blame me if you get caught out.

As for a jerrycan, according to Wikipedia its "A jerrycan is a robust fuel container originally made from pressed steel. It was designed in Germany in the 1930s for military use to hold 20 litres of fuel."

Francis Maude was obviously trying to engender a bit of the old wartime spirit. "We'll fight those petrol drivers on the beach, in the countryside. We will never surrender with our jerrycans and car fuel tanks brimming!!

Dont panic, dont panic.

[Phil Phee]

Bloody hell, I never for once imagined we would one day be faced with the prospect of a run on mange-tout.

Tories: making a balanced diet an object of desire since 2012.

[David Johnson]

As I understand it mange-tout were discussed by the Cobra team in Downing Street led by David Cameron.

The key objectives arising from this emergency meeting were:

1. Prepare for any eventuality in terms of dealing with the enemy within, namely petrol tanker drivers.

2. Fostering the Battle of Britain spirit in the population by training pretty fillies to drive petrol tankers.

[img]http://www.picturehistory.com/images/pr ... d_3652.jpg[/img]

3. Faced by this unprecedented onslaught from the enemy within and bedevilled by drought conditions for our major farmers, enlist everyone to cultivate the land to its full extent. Dig for Victory!

[img]http://cache2.artprintimages.com/lrg/30 ... TBF00Z.jpg[/img]

4. Remember to keep your jerry cans handy and fully topped up.


5. Further missives will be issued as and when. Go to it and wel will be victorious.

[bernard72]

But I need petrol as I have to drive to Tesco's to buy 48 litres of milk and 50 loaves. 100 tins of beans, and enough fresh water to flood the south west of england, just like I had to in 2001.

[jimslip]

The oil companies must be rubbing their hands with glee! Provoke the tanker drivers into striking so you sell every last drop of petrol at its highest ever price even when the wholesale price of oil is dropping...........sheer genius!

Oil company executives in deep consultation at the impending petrol crisis:
[img]http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/1 ... 68x387.jpg[/img]

The rest of us dumbasses fucked over......again!
[img]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qm9g4GK-Hwc/T ... /dunce.jpg[/img]

[Gusset Sniffer]

Oh dear my local petrol station has run dry of fuel !nuts!

But has lots of hot pasties !hungry! Why does every newspaper have a picture of a politician with a pie in his gob?

[Nob3y]

Oh great,if there wasnt going to be a panic round my way there will be now.
Riding around central London yesterday there wasnt any ques.I bet there will be today!
It first glance you think how stupid can the government be by saying what they did but reading comments here Im now also thinking theres more to this and its forcing people to buy fuel at the high price.

[David Johnson]

Latest update from Commandant Cameron, deep in a bunker in Downing Street.

1. DO NOT fill jerry cans full of petrol. Advice from the Fire Brigade has indicated that this is a good way of blowing yourself and your property sky high.

2. Someone has told Francis Maude that many people in the UK do not have a garage so ignore his advice re storing fuel. Do not store fuel in your car boot instead, see 1. above.

3. Top up your car tank, but do not queue.

4. Ignore the enemy within who say things like "isn't the advice to top up your car tank but don't queue contradictory because if everyone is topping up there will inevitably be queues unless you spend all day and night driving round using up your precious fuel in order to find a garage without a queue?" These people who make statements like this are likely to be TRADE UNION MILITANTS FUNDED BY MOSCOW. DO NOT APPROACH THEM BY YOURSELF!

5. Do not fight at petrol stations. It slows down the queues.

6. A list of workers who may strike sometime in the future but have not released any dates for their strike will be issued shortly. Giving plenty of time for "topping up" whatever.

Remember, above all else, do not panic! Everything is under control!